Oct. 19, 2022 I desperately tried to stop it, but I couldn’t. A single tear escaped and streaked down my cheek. Why was I crying? Get ready to laugh at me! I cried because of spiders. In fact, I cried while asking a friend to remove the spiders from my space. I hate crying. Hate might not be a strong enough word, really. I loathe crying. While I try to convince myself it’s ok to cry, the way I react when it happens makes me aware that there’s still a part of me that believes crying shows weakness. I’m embarrassed when I cry. I was especially embarrassed that I was crying over a bug, and I immediately began apologizing to my friend. “I realize this is ridiculous,” I said. “I’m really sorry.” “Do not apologize for this, Darcy,” my friend said. “God made you this way. We all have something that scares us.” I thought about my friend’s kindness and his response later. “Why would God make me terrified of something that isn’t going to hurt me? This makes no sense to me,” I thought. While I may never know conclusively, reflecting on that part of my nature, the part that cries over spiders (and rodents, by the way), I have a theory. God knows that I like to think I’m fiercely independent. I like to think I don’t need help. That feels like a sign of weakness to me, too, sometimes. Then God sends along a few spiders. Suddenly, I am not independent, and I can’t function without help. And I cry. God reminds me that my weaknesses are necessary to remind me I can’t go it alone. I can’t be fiercely independent. I need God and I need others. I need their support, companionship and help. And I need those reminders over and over again. But I do not need any more spiders. |
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